Relax, think of nothing and then write.

(Saturday 8^th September 2012 Signed on 10:13)

Ok. I’m going to try this “Free Association, Stream-of-consciousness” trick again. No objective, no real purpose except the process. Keep moving forwards. Write the stuff that comes to the surface. As the surface becomes exhausted, we get that little bit deeper. With each scraping we go deeper still, peeling the layers off the onion. The metaphor is slightly wrong. “Peeling the layers off the onion”, sort of implies that we are getting closer to the centre. That is not correct. True, we are delving deeper into the unconscious, but there is no centre. There is no single place that represents the “real” centre. Instead there are lots of different centres, at different levels. Some gain control for a short time while others are usually in control and some others are dormant at present.

Every centre had an origin. Every centre can be activated and modified.

This week I was sent a photograph of a motorcycle that someone had built. It wasn’t an especially artistic creation. It was more what a manufacturer might make as an engineering feasibility study.  Take parts which you have in stock for existing models and assemble them differently to produce something new. I used to find that kind of thing exciting. This picture reminded me of the way I used to think about possibilities. How I used to think about combining things in new ways. Perhaps there is something here that is more important than the memory. The picture reminded me of a “feeling”.

As I write, I’m trying to understand and intensify that feeling. I am trying to access it. I am trying to feel it more completely. What does that feeling remind me of? When did I feel it? Where was I when I felt it? Who was I with when I felt it?

Those questions seem like good stepping-off points to examine and feel the feeling. I want to feel it because it feels like possibilities. It encourages me to experiment. It makes me want to try new things. It is an optimistic feeling. I can try new things and recombine old things in new ways.  It doesn’t matter that the results will not be perfect. The results will be a stepping stone to something else. Changing, changing, changing!

What does the feeling remind me of; It reminds me of living in Cleveland, the first year after I left university. I was living in the cottage off the yard. I got there through a narrow, arched passageway through the building. There was a wrought iron gate across the passageway.  The yard was paved with cobbles.

There was a row of cottages. Mrs and Mrs Smithard lived in the cottage which was accessed by a door actually in the passageway. Next there was a retired lady who lived alone and whose name I have forgotten. Next was the cottage which I occupied with Les. Then there were Mr and Mrs Mallaby. Mr Mallaby had had a stroke. His right side was slightly paralysed.  He held his right hand as a fist, with the lower arm tensed.

I bought myself a small portable drawing board. When I wasn’t working I drew things; speculations about ways to build motorcycles. I had fun. I played.

That is the feeling I want to access now. I need to work but I need to play as well. I need to do repeated, sometimes even boring things. Things I would rather not need to do, but I need to make time to play as well.

What did I do when I lived in that cottage? I remember going for a long walk across the moors. I route I chose was about 6 miles. I remember that the route involved crossing a stream by a ford. When I got to the ford it was deeper and the stream was wider than I had expected. I took my boots and socks off and waded through the water bare-foot. The water was so cold! After the stream I walked into a small village. I remember drinking beer in a pub in the village, but I don’t remember how much I drank or whether I ate anything.

(Pausing 10:51 – 11:00)

I’m back! I went looking at the route on Google Maps. I didn’t find the village at one end of the route, but I found a farm nearby. I remember it was a very small place and the pub was marked on the Ordinance Survey map. Perhaps it wasn’t really a “village” after all. I don’t have a very clear memory of it.

I felt possibility and optimism. The day of the walk was sunny. It was the weekend. It was probably a Sunday.

I’ve already “cleared out one thing today”. That is a good feeling. Try and create more free-space. Reduce the amount of visual, physical and mental clutter. Reduce the amount of noise.

I still have to get on with my admin task. There is only a little more to do and it will be finished. Maybe not today, but this weekend, I will take the next step. Always the first steps. Every journey is a succession of first steps. Keep taking the next step, which is the next step on the journey. Each step only a single step. It only requires the effort required for a single step. So long as it is a step in the right direction, then each step takes me closer to reaching my goal, however far away that goal may be. The admin task is nearly done. There is only a short distance left to go. Imagine the feeling of satisfaction I will feel when I achieve the goal.

Having got the goal achieved then I can rest in the achievement for a short while. And then, having created more free-space and rested, I can embark on the next journey. Set off towards the next goal, which will be something even more satisfying.

I think I’ve done enough of this exercise for now. There is something else which I could be doing, something which uses different skills and a different part of my mind. I’m breaking off now to do that!   

(Signed off 11:13)